Monogamy

Well I have begun a new relationship and it has come with its own set of revelations. Here is a piece that has been generated by this current relationship.

Monogamy. This is a term I’ve been mulling over a lot lately. Early in my current relationship, my lover - whom I adore - set out the idea that he wasn’t sure that was something he was interested in in the long term. This, of course, caught me somewhat by surprise, but I appreciated his candor and couldn’t honestly say I could agree or disagree with the whole idea of being non-monogamous. The default position, for me, has been to be monogamous, unless I was unhappy or dissatisfied with a relationship.

His ideas about it, as he explained it, were more the “variety is the spice of life” approach. If we, as humans, are able to eat pizza one night, steak another, and Mexican food the third, and we have friends that we go boating with and friends we watch romantic movies with and friends we call late at night when we need someone to listen, then why not have lovers for our various tastes and moods?

Although this is a compelling argument, and I have no “moral” aversion to the idea, I’m still not sure how it sits with me. But I am finding out by watching my thoughts and my emotions as situations arise.

First, I must examine how I feel when I begin a love affair. I realized that when I meet someone, and there is depth and connection and mystery, as I’ve found with this current lover, it’s as if I’ve stumbled into some lovely cave. The cave has its initial room that is easily accessible and open. But once the boundaries of that first open cavern are explored, there are small coves and tunnels – all lovely, dark and deep. Some are easily explored and some seemingly endless – shooting through and under still waters or rushing streams to emerge beautiful on the far side. Sure, while exploring I may occasionally hit my head or duck away from diving bats, and I may get lost for periods and not be sure I can ever emerge, the adventure of the exploration holds me captive and myopic. This is where I want to be and what I want to know – I don’t yearn for other caves that may offer just as intriguing mysteries and adventures; I want to find the depths and secrets and pleasures hidden in all the dark hidden places of this lovely place.

So it’s not a matter of whether I should or shouldn’t be monogamous – it’s that there is just no interest or desire to chase down other avenues of exploration. Of course, I can eat Mexican food every night if I like the place well enough.

This lover and I, after that initial conversation, have explored many of those caverns and mysteries, each discovery leading to promises of more mystery and pleasure. This is a mutual feeling – we both are captivated by the other, even as we bump our heads on the hanging stalactites of our personalities.

But life happens. He’s miles away for an undetermined amount of time, and much of the time, through both choice and circumstance, he’s inaccessible. When he left, we agreed there was no binding commitment of monogamy, or of any other kind. This seems perfectly acceptable as we are new to each other and not sure where this will head. But the passion and connection – on more levels than I believe I’ve ever experienced – is palpable some nights in our many texts and infrequent conversations. But there is his occasional mention of yoga bodies and youth – wherein I always come out ahead – but the mention is there. He’s declared he’s not slept with any one there, but even that declaration somehow reinforces the possibility. Slight twinges of jealousy or possessiveness knock at my consciousness, before being investigated and released.

In a conversation last night, he disclosed that he still has some feelings for a recent ex-girlfriend and his long-term friend/ex-girlfriend. The long-term relationship I certainly understand. They’ve been lovers and then friends for many years – and her new relationship understandably stirs feelings of loss in him. But the admission of his feelings for this recent ex-lover hit a little harder. This, I believe, is partly due to the fact that it is so fresh, but mostly because she is not at all like me. Where I am light and openness, but deep and thoughtful and emotionally accessible, she’s dark and hidden, afraid to expose herself for fear of injury. Where my lover and I are intellectually and spiritually compatible, she’s undeveloped and intellectually incurious. And so, in her, the abstract concept is made flesh. Would it be acceptable for him to continue a relationship with her and me? Can I understand that why I may be filet mignon and pinot noir, sometimes he wants pizza and beer? (Notice which side of the analogy I come out on.)

And now I am confronted with the real-life situation. And I watch my thoughts swirl and question what they mean about me. He feels less for me because he still has feelings for her. Is that true? Can I absolutely know if that is true? No, I can’t know that. How do I feel , act, and think when I believe that thought? It makes me sad. It makes me feel less than. It makes me distrust him and myself. How do I feel, act, and think when I don’t believe that thought? I understand that he must experience what he experiences and if he feels less for me or I feel less for him because of his actions and desires, then that is how it needs to be. Then I turn it around: He feels less for me because he has feelings for her. He feels more for me because he has feelings for her. I feel less for me because he has feelings for her. I feel less for him because he has feelings for her. Could those things be as true or truer? They could be. And they are.

So what does that mean? I don’t want to change him – he needs what he brings to his life. I have no say in what he needs and what he should or shouldn’t do. That is his business, not mine. But again, what does that mean for me? Can I continue to love this man romantically? To explore the dark reaches and magnificent heights of his being? Or must I have someone who wants exclusively the variety of my being to explore and touch. This is the question of action I must hold and sit with. I don’t have to decide today – and I will see him soon to experience that connection again. And then I must be true to myself. Perhaps we are incompatible for any lasting romantic relationship. Perhaps we will have reached an impasse. But what a beautiful hike it has been, and I wouldn’t change one step or misstep or stumble or leap.

Wow - the last post here was August 2009. Now it's 7 months later and I'm finally back. What to report?

Well, clearly I haven't been writing every day and have been spending my energies elsewhere. Research, right? Yes. Research. So what research was so distracting?

Well, there was this relationship, right? I met a very interesting man for whom I have a lot of affection still. The relationship was interesting also, to say the least. He is a much younger man, and that fact created some interesting effects and offered some interesting lessons.

On one hand, I felt much younger than I had in years. My relationship with this man, we'll call him Charlie (you know, protect the innocent and all that), allowed me to feel that youthful, vibrant energy I had so long traded for "maturity." I was suddenly allowed to play and follow those freewheeling impulsed to simply act in joy and abandon. I has given me permission to explore the boundaries of my personality and to choose to act or not act on those impulses. I can dance when I want to and laugh at the most inappropriate things when that laughter pushes its way through. I no longer feel the need to filter everything so much through the "I'm 50" screen.

But this relationship also created the shadow side of youthful expression. I suddenly felt my physical presence was not youthful enough to keep up the facade. I felt somewhat an impostor in his world. Now I'm not sure that would be so if he had been more mature - he himself lives in a youthful world, surrounded by those much younger than he in much of his life situations. But I was suddenly comparing my physical appearance to that of girls much younger.

I found myself peering into mirrors looking for wrinkles and telltale signs of age. Now I have always looked young for my age, so this was a new concern. I've been blessed with good genes and have lived a fairly healthy life style for the last 25 years, so my physical aging has been slow. But now, I found myself comparing my face to those of 25-year-olds. Regardless how young a 50 year old woman looks, she will never look 25. I suddenly noticed my hands and how the veins stand out a little more than they used to. I'd wonder, when I bent my arm a certain way, if that small group of wrinkles near my elbow was obvious and gave away my open secret. These small observations occurred regularly, weighing down the joy I feel at the body I've created through a healthy diet and regular time at the gym.

There were times I felt like a circus act (he'd say occasionally "can you believe she's 50?"), and times I felt like I was invisible as he showered attention on the young women we were around. Clearly, in retrospect, wrapping so much time and energy into this relationship wasn't the sanest idea. But the lessons I learned...

So now I'm back, refocusing my energies where they should be - on my writing and my teaching and being who I really am. So watch for more here - I can't promise 100 in 100 days as I did before, but regular stops here can be anticipated. Till the next installment...